"But I must answer you, and be forgiven, too,
dearest– I was (to begin at the beginning) surely not startled' .. only
properly aware of the deep blessing I have been enjoying this while, and
not disposed to take its continuance as pure matter of course, and so treat with
indifference the first shadow of a threatening intimation from without, the
first hint of a possible abstraction from the quarter to which so many hopes
& fears of mine have gone of late: in this case, knowing you, I was sure
that if any imaginable form of displeasure could touch you without reaching me,
I should not hear of it too soon—so I spoke—so you have spoken—and so now
you get 'excused'? .. no .. wondered at, with all my faculty of wonder for the
strange exalting way you will persist to think of me; now, once for all, I
will not pass for what I make no least pretence to: I quite understand
the grace of your imaginary self-denial, and fidelity to a given word, and noble
constancy,—but it all happens to be none of mine, none in the least. I love you
because I love you,—I see you 'once a week' because I cannot see you all
day long,—I think of you all day long, because I most certainly could not think
of you once an hour less, if I tried, or went to Pisa, or 'abroad' (in every
sense) in order to 'be happy'.. a kind of adventure which you seem to suppose
you have in some way interfered with: do, for this once, think, and never after,
on the impossibility of your ever .. (you know I must talk your own language, so
I shall say …) hindering any scheme of mine, stopping any supposeable
advancement of mine: do you really think that before I found you, I was going
about the world seeking whom I might devour,—that
is, be devoured by, in the shape of a wife .. do you suppose I ever dreamed of
marrying?—what would it mean for me, with my life I am hardened in,—considering
the rational chances,—how the land is used to furnish its contingent of
Shakespeare’s-women: or by 'success,' 'happiness' &c &c you never, never
can be seeing for a moment with the world’s eyes and meaning 'getting rich'
& all that? Yet, put that away, and what do you meet at every turn, if you
are hunting about in the dusk to catch my good, but yourself?
I know who has got it, caught it, & means to
keep it on his heart—the person most
concerned—I, dearest, who cannot play the disinterested part of bidding
you forget your 'protestation' .. what should I have to hold by, come
what will, thro’ years, thro’ this life, if God shall so determine, if I were
not sure, sure that the first moment when you can suffer me with you 'in
that relation',—you will remember and act accordingly .. I will, as you know,
conform my life to any imaginable rule which shall render it possible for
your life to move with it and possess it, all the little it is worth–
For your friends .. whatever can be 'got over,' whatever
opposition may be rational, will be easily removed, I suppose: you know when I
spoke lately about the 'selfishness' I dared believe I was free from, I hardly
meant the low faults of .. I shall say, a different organization to mine—which
has vices in plenty, but not those: beside half a dozen scratches with a pen
make one stand up an apparent angel of light, from the lawyer’s parchment; and
Doctors’ Commons is one bland smile of
applause– The selfishness I deprecate is one which a good many women & men,
too, call 'real passion'—under the influence of which, I ought to say 'be mine,
what ever happens to you'—but I know better, and you know best—and you
know me, for all this letter, which is no doubt in me, I feel, but dear entire
goodness and affection, of which God knows whether I am proud or not—and now you
will ‘let me be,’ will not you? Let me have my way, live
my life, love my love whose I am, praying God to bless her ever RB"
That was not perfectly clear, but clear enough for Miss Barrett, who simply wanted to know if he was going to Italy or no. I love the ending where he essentially tells her to leave him alone and let him love her. So she responds the same day, acting dumbfounded that he should take on so because it is all so clear to her.
" 'And be forgiven' .. yes! and be thanked
besides—if I knew how to thank you worthily & as I feel .. only that I do
not know it, & cannot say it. And it was not indeed 'doubt' of you (.. oh
no!—) that made me write as I did write: it was rather because I felt you to be
surely noblest, .. & therefore fitly dearest, … that it seemed to me
detestable & intolerable to leave you on this road where the mud must splash
up against you, & never cry ‘gare [look out!].’ Yet I
was quite enough unhappy yesterday, & before yesterday .. I will confess
today, .. to be too gratefully glad to ‘let you be’ .. to 'let you have your
way'.. you who overcome always! Always, but where you tell me not to think of
you so & so!—as if I could help thinking of you so, & as if I
should not take the liberty of persisting to think of you just so. ‘Let me be’–
‘Let me have my way’. I am unworthy of you perhaps in everything except one
thing——& that, you cannot guess. May God bless you– Ever I am
yours.
The proof does not come!"
In what way is she worthy of him? I find it difficult to believe that she has found a way in which she is worthy of him.
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